Five craziest things you’re missing on Lindsay Lohan’s reality show.
Lindsay Lohan started filming her docudrama for Oprah’s OWN network almost immediately after leaving rehab for the umpteenth time.
Three episodes in, we’ve been given a thorough glimpse inside Lohan’s life: An endless stream of payrolled assistants, life advisers and sober coaches. An unstable relationship with her own parents (at one point, she absent-mindedly mentions her mother Dina has just been arrested for drunken driving). And, of course, a healthy dose of tough love from Oprah.
Here’s why Lindsay makes for crazy-good TV:
1. Lindsay’s tarot-reading life coach
In episode two, we watch as Lohan visits the cramped studio apartment of celebrity life coach, fitness guru and spiritual adviser AJ Johnson, who she’s enlisting to help get her life on track. Johnson proceeds to give Lindsay a tarot reading (always a sure-fire way to find direction in life), then leads her through an incredibly detailed quiz to get to the core of her problems — and we quote:
Candlelight or electricity?
Ocean or pool?
Black or white?
Love or be loved?
Yes or No?
Top or bottom?
By the next scene, Johnson’s embedded as a permanent member of Lohan’s entourage. The pair eat together, read tarot together (Lohan seems surprised when the eternally chipper Johnson brings out the tarot cards over lunch: “Oh, are we doing this again?” “Yes, girl, every day!”), and even do some sort of weird Zumba-meets-erotic-dancing workout together.
2. Lindsay’s Brave Struggle: finding an apartment
Much of the first three episodes centre on Lindsay’s hunt for an apartment to rent in New York. While it’s no doubt a stressful experience, the show tends to over-egg the pudding a little. As Lindsay fields calls from estate agents and rearranges her mountains of clothing, titles flash across the screen, Law and Order-style, to tell us that ‘LINDSAY HAS NOW BEEN LIVING IN A HOTEL FOR 47 DAYS.’
She’s staying in a luxurious suite at the Soho Grand, not Guantánamo Bay.
3. The crew become the cast
As the schedule quickly falls apart — in episode three, Lindsay refuses to be filmed for an entire day of shooting she’d agreed to — the documentary crew find themselves part of the action, as they negotiate on camera to get Lindsay to fulfil her commitments.
It’s all remarkably similar to Lisa Kudrow’s cult mock-reality show The Comeback , which focused on actress Valerie Cherish as she filmed a reality show to try to resurrect her career.
As Kudrow’s Valerie realises that a reality show crew are there to capture the bad moments as well as the good, she becomes increasingly controlling, thrusting the hapless director Jane (Laura Silverman) in front of the camera to negotiate with the star. There have been recent reports that the short-lived show might be making a comeback of its own — has Lindsay pipped it to the post?
4. Her poor, poor assistant
Professional assistant to the stars Matt Harrell has only been working for Lohan for a few weeks when cameras start filming. He’s already on the verge of quitting. Despite having worked with celebrities like Prince and Steven Tyler, Lohan seems especially difficult.
“All I need from her is five minutes in the morning and five minutes in the evening,” he says, explaining that those mini-meetings are designed to help Lohan’s day run more smoothly.
She rarely grants them, though, instead belittling him — in front of all her other payrolled yes men — for not relaying information to her. Basically, the guy deserves a medal.
5. Tough love from Oprah
Finally, towards the end of episode three, Lindsay’s documentary crew call in the big guns: Please welcome Oprah WIIIINFREYYYY!
The Big O visits Lohan at mother Dina’s house and lays down the law, telling the starlet to “cut the bull***t” during a tense exchange.